I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
