we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
