just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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