I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
