Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
