i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
