I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
