he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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