If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
