Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
