Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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