You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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