i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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