My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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