get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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