when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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