Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
