Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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