If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
