Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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