I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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