guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
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And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
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Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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