Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
