Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
