Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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