The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
