Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
