I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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