The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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