I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Less talking, more tequila
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
