Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
