i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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