i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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