a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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