I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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