the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Damn victory sex feels great
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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