so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
