So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
