i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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