Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
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I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
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Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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