i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
