Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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