what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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