This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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