Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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