atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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