did you get engaged???
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
