Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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