i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I'm really busy with my period
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