I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
