did you get engaged???
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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