Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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