found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
