he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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