my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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